Orientalism

I’m Tom MacMasters and I’m an Arab Lesbian Whisperer.

Why do people constantly accuse me of being an Orientalist? I hear that a lot. I just don’t understand it.

I think I've made it very clear that I’m impersonating an Arab Lesbian not an Asian Lesbian.

I understand that a towering public figure like me might get some criticism now and then, but you’d think people would at least get their terms correct.

Sheesh!

Beach

Me - Tom MacMasters. You - someone who thinks I’m an Arab Lesbian online, when really I’m just another hetwhiteboy.

It’s summer. It’s hot. So the other day, I headed to the beach with my towel and a graphic novel about a tough guy who has lots of sex and kicks ass. It’s written and drawn by a hetwhiteboy who rarely has sex and never kicks ass. It’s great.

When I got to the beach, it was almost empty. It was a weekday and this beach is a little off the beaten track. Mostly people go there to get away from the world. I go there because sometimes there are women with their tops off.

I saw a group of women a long way down the beach. Three brunettes, and from a distance they seemed like they might be Middle Eastern. Were they Lesbians? I could only hope.

I settled in about four feet away from them. My beach towel has a picture of a beautiful belly dancer swaying in front of the pyramids.

I was minding my own business, pretending to read my virile graphic novel while I eavesdropped on their conversation, trying to decode their chitchat to see if they were Arab Gay Girls.

Out of nowhere one of them says to me, “Why do you have to sit so close to us? The entire beach practically empty!”

I was shocked. I hadn’t even jerked off yet. This was a public beach! I had a right to sit close to them and stare at their half-naked bodies and listen in on their private words. Who did they think they were?

I told them as much.

Then one of them threw a rock at me!

No, I didn’t run away crying. I just walked back to my car a little quickly and the wind caused my eyes to tear up.

Lesbian Poetry 1

Tom MacMaster, at your cervix. I AM an Arab Lesbian, really I am, even if only in my imagination.

One thing all Lesbians love to do is write poetry. When I’m an Arab Lesbian, I write pages of profoundly moving Middle Eastern feminine same-sex loving verse.

My work insightfully explores the dynamic depths of the doings of these desert-dwelling damsels.

Here’s a Limerick:

There once was a Gay Girl in Syria
Who’s blog crawled the Web like bacteria.
Though some called her a cad,
And her writing quite bad,
That’s only if truth’s the criteria.

And here’s a Haiku:

Arab Gay Girls Rule!
But I sit here alone, just
Me and my penis.

Masterful Hetwhiteboy Writing Power

Who am I? I’m Tom MacMaster.
I do cyber-impersonations of Arab Lesbians.

Everyone is so disgusted with me. Why? All I did was write out my exciting hetwhiteboy fantasies and post them online as if they were real. Can I help it if my writing was so good that people believed my lies?

Furthermore, I didn’t only fool Arab Lesbians, but real hetwhite people, too.

Let’s face it, Arab Lesbians are so hungry for validation that they’ll devour any depiction of themselves in the arts and media. But actual mainstream media hetfolks also were smitten by my manly wordsmithy. And that proves exactly how really extremely supremely talented I am.

Journalists are busy people and they believe anything posted online backed up by a few email messages. And when you include a stolen facebook photo and some flimsy excuses about not being able to appear in public, then they’ll take it as gospel. The Guardian, CNN, The New York Times, The Washington Post, Al Jazeera, and NPR all recognized my glorious skills. Why can’t everybody else?

People say my writing was false. But if it appears on the internet, it’s got to be real. Especially if the writing get lots of hits and a great many followers.

So where’s the love? Where are my book deals and pundit offers and film proposals? I’m a hetwhiteboy, goshdarnit! I should be making piles of money off all this.

Drive, She Said

They call me Tom MacMaster, I’m a hetwhiteboy masquerading as an Arab Lesbian, and I drive.

I recently heard that women in Saudi Arabia have been driving cars.

So what? you ask.

Well, it seems that the Saudi government doesn’t let women drive. It’s probably because they want to protect women from harm. And they’re undoubtedly trying to spare women from the stress of being in traffic. Those guys who run Saudi Arabia are all kings and princes, so they tend to be big on chivalry.

But do these Saudi women appreciate this coddling? No. In fact they’ve gotten behind the wheels of automobiles and taken to the streets, driving in direct confrontation of the law. And they’re being applauded for it! Can you believe that?

I like to play this awesome game online called Big Daddy Driver where you get to be a sexy avatar and drive large, phallic-like vehicles. I was a hetwhiteboy imagining I was an Arab Lesbian while I drove a virtual car on the internet. And I did that for hours and hours, day after day.

Nobody EVER applauded me for that.

Feministism

I’m Tom MacMaster, and I’m a hetwhiteboy expert on Arab Lesbians. During the time I pretended to be an Arab Lesbian online, I became the foremost authority on all things Arab and Lesbian.

Some people say that no man can truly understand feministism.

But once I sat down to pee. That taught me what it was like to be a woman.

And I got real live Lesbians to email me and I read what they said. So I know exactly how Lesbians think.

And I pretended to be Arab. Now I know all there is to know about the Middle East.

But just because I’m a hetwhiteboy, nobody wants to listen to what I have to say. That’s discrimination, that’s what that is.

And I’m getting darn sick and tired of it.

Deception

Tom MacMaster here. I’m not an Arab Lesbian but I play one on the internet. And even if I am just a self-centered hetwhiteboy wallowing in a desperate attempt for recognition via cruel exploitation, I’m still worthy of Arab Lesbian Sexy Love.

Recently I’ve heard a lot of sniggering about the fact that one of my Lesbian email correspondents was another hetwhiteboy pretending to be a Lesbian online. My darling Sapphic Sweetheart, my own Muff-Diving Muffin, was actually a hetwhiteboy named Bill Graber.

I was devastated to discover this hoax, as I had grown extremely fond of this emailing Lesbian. She reached in and grabbed my heart with her same-sex loving fingers. We shared real womanly Lesbian love, the deepest and most truthful love there is.

I’m reposting one of our email exchanges. I defy anyone to uncover a single clue that this was a terrible lie. There’s no way that the messages we sent could NOT have come from two real Lesbian womanly girls, one of them Arab even.

Lesbian 1: I love what you write online! I can tell by your words that you’re a beautiful Lesbian gay girl who is full of sexual love for other Lesbian gay girl women. Do you have big breasts?

Lesbian 2: Thanks! I do have big breasts. Big Arab Lesbian breasts. Don’t you just hate the patriarchy?

Lesbian 1: Do I? Sometimes I get so mad at the patriarchy, I breathe really hard and my large breasts heave up and down in a delightful rhythmic motion.

Lesbian 2: Me, too! But I do it in Arabic. I’m a vegetarian and I have 6 cats.

Lesbian 1: I hate meat. I have 4 cats, and I named them all after third-world feministic Lesbian goddesses.

Lesbian 2: I love third-world feministic Lesbian goddesses, too! We have so much in common! I’ll bet we’d be hot and sexy together! I love Lesbian gay girl ladies and having sex with them!

Lesbian 1: Oh yeah! And wouldn’t it be fun if a hetwhiteboy joined us?

Lesbian 2: Oh, you’re getting me so hard. I mean wet. I mean, yes I love Arab Lesbian sex with hetwhiteboys, especially writers.

Lesbian 1: And we could make the hetwhiteboy so happy.

Lesbian 2: Oh yesssss...

See? That’s true Lesbian love, with one of them Arab. That’s sounds exactly how 100% real actual Lesbians talk. How could I have possibly known that it was all a mean, deceptive trick?

So stop laughing at me. My heart is broken.