Ungrateful

I’m Tom MacMaster, I’m a hetwhiteboy and I pretend to be an Arab Lesbian. But only in cyber space where nobody can see my testosterone.

Since my hoax was revealed, I’ve heard that a lot of the real Arab Lesbians are disgusted with me. They think I’m a joke. That wasn’t what I expected. I thought they’d all be desperately grateful and consider me one of them and maybe invite me to their parties. And I hoped they’d want to have sex with me, or at least give me Arab Lesbian kisses, because I was their hero.

Let’s be real. Who listens to Arab Lesbians? Nobody, that’s who. But when a hetwhiteboy like me takes up their plight, you can bet the whole world takes notice. People paid attention when I was an Arab Lesbian. They responded to my powerful hetwhiteboy voice. It’s proof that I’m a Great Writer. Take that, all you publishers who ignored me in the past.

I did more for the Arab Lesbians than anybody. But do I get thanks? Do I get warm, za’atar-scented Arab Lesbian hugs? Do I get invited to their secret Arab Lesbian meetings? No. I get angry emails and ridicule. They say I lied to them, destroyed their trust, appropriated their cultural identities, hijacked their conversation, and betrayed the concepts I was supposed to be promoting. Can you believe how ungrateful they are?

I don’t understand why they’re so angry. I was only helping them! They’re Arabs and they’re Lesbians, so they can’t be expected to speak for themselves. When a hetwhiteboy like me donates my exceptional hetwhiteboy writing skills to their cause, you’d expect those poor, downtrodden sexy exotic girls to be thankful.

If I was an Arab Lesbian, and I was one online, I would throw my arms around any hetwhiteboy who was so generous with his literary talent. I would tell him he was the only one who knew my soul. I would thank him profusely for his help. I would touch his big strong, manly body. And then I’d have lots of exciting Arab Lesbian sex with him.

Hello!

Hi everybody! I’m Tom MacMaster. I’m a hetwhiteboy who goes online and pretends to be an Arab Lesbian.

Before I did my blog, women never seemed to notice me much. Especially Arab Lesbians. They completely ignored me. Sure, I’m an unattractive smelly guy with no social skills, an over-sized ego and a small dick, who couldn’t get my writing published, but still...

However, that all changed when I pretended I was a gay girl in Damascus. Gosh! I got so many emails! I got to talk to real live Arab Lesbians! People paid attention to what I was saying! I had something to do all day besides just playing video games! You can’t imagine how exciting that was for me.

But now the secret is out. Everyone knows I’m just me, another silly hetwhiteboy pretending to be a Lesbian. It’s over. I can’t get away with it anymore. Darn those nosey reporters.

Nevertheless, I’ve decided to go on blogging. Only now I’ll tell the truth. MY truth.

I guess some people are mad at me for pretending, but really, where’s the harm? I honestly believed everything I said. I mean, it’s not easy for hetwhiteboys to get attention in this world. Sure, we get a lot of power and privilege and money and opportunities and physical safety and all that. But why does that mean I can’t be an Arab Lesbian, too?

I always imagined it would be exciting to be an Arab Lesbian. And guess what? It is!

In my other blog I was a girl. One who was well into her thirties, yes, but “gay girl” is much slicker than “gay woman”. It’s called alliteration. (I’m a writer you know.)

And I wasn’t just any girl -- I was a Gay Arab girl. It was thrilling to sneak into a world I never was allowed into before. Gosh, it got me hot, but I also learned a little, too. Did you know that gay women have full lives and don’t really think much about men? I thought they’d all be busy man-hating, but they’re much more interested in women-loving. Really! I was kinda surprised about that.

And Arab Lesbians are way cooler than plain old regular Lesbians. They speak Arabic, and are really smart about politics and know the best recipes for great Middle Eastern food. Surprisingly, not too many of them talked about belly dancing. Though some of them did say they smoke hookahs.

And the best part was, I got to be a part of it all! Not like in real life where most women just laugh at me. I was part of the conversations! People read what I wrote! I was one of them! Well, it was only online, and I never got to actually touch anyone, and most of them will never talk to me again, and I betrayed everyone’s trust, but it was still way more fun than I’d ever had in my life before.

OMG!!!
I just read that the Lesbian who does that website Lez Get Real is a MAN! I used to email her, I used to jack off thinking about her, I was so in love with her... and ... sob... now I find out she’s a man???
And not even Arab. That is just so MEAN!

I wonder if that means I’m a fag?

Whatever.

What’s most important is that now I’m getting all this attention! I can hardly sleep at night just thinking about how to parlay this into an exciting new career.

I think I’ll write a confessional memoir about the experience. I’ll bare my soul and explain how I really hoped to help the Arab Lesbian cause, and how darned sincere I am, and beg everyone for forgiveness. Probably I’ll get to go on a book tour, and maybe do more interviews, and talk to actual Lesbians! I can’t wait!

I just pray they don’t expect me to give any money I earn to real Arab Lesbian groups. And I wish I could meet some Arab Lesbians in the flesh. And I hope they get a really sexy Arab Lesbian to play me in the movie of my life...