Ungrateful

I’m Tom MacMaster, I’m a hetwhiteboy and I pretend to be an Arab Lesbian. But only in cyber space where nobody can see my testosterone.

Since my hoax was revealed, I’ve heard that a lot of the real Arab Lesbians are disgusted with me. They think I’m a joke. That wasn’t what I expected. I thought they’d all be desperately grateful and consider me one of them and maybe invite me to their parties. And I hoped they’d want to have sex with me, or at least give me Arab Lesbian kisses, because I was their hero.

Let’s be real. Who listens to Arab Lesbians? Nobody, that’s who. But when a hetwhiteboy like me takes up their plight, you can bet the whole world takes notice. People paid attention when I was an Arab Lesbian. They responded to my powerful hetwhiteboy voice. It’s proof that I’m a Great Writer. Take that, all you publishers who ignored me in the past.

I did more for the Arab Lesbians than anybody. But do I get thanks? Do I get warm, za’atar-scented Arab Lesbian hugs? Do I get invited to their secret Arab Lesbian meetings? No. I get angry emails and ridicule. They say I lied to them, destroyed their trust, appropriated their cultural identities, hijacked their conversation, and betrayed the concepts I was supposed to be promoting. Can you believe how ungrateful they are?

I don’t understand why they’re so angry. I was only helping them! They’re Arabs and they’re Lesbians, so they can’t be expected to speak for themselves. When a hetwhiteboy like me donates my exceptional hetwhiteboy writing skills to their cause, you’d expect those poor, downtrodden sexy exotic girls to be thankful.

If I was an Arab Lesbian, and I was one online, I would throw my arms around any hetwhiteboy who was so generous with his literary talent. I would tell him he was the only one who knew my soul. I would thank him profusely for his help. I would touch his big strong, manly body. And then I’d have lots of exciting Arab Lesbian sex with him.