Beach

Me - Tom MacMasters. You - someone who thinks I’m an Arab Lesbian online, when really I’m just another hetwhiteboy.

It’s summer. It’s hot. So the other day, I headed to the beach with my towel and a graphic novel about a tough guy who has lots of sex and kicks ass. It’s written and drawn by a hetwhiteboy who rarely has sex and never kicks ass. It’s great.

When I got to the beach, it was almost empty. It was a weekday and this beach is a little off the beaten track. Mostly people go there to get away from the world. I go there because sometimes there are women with their tops off.

I saw a group of women a long way down the beach. Three brunettes, and from a distance they seemed like they might be Middle Eastern. Were they Lesbians? I could only hope.

I settled in about four feet away from them. My beach towel has a picture of a beautiful belly dancer swaying in front of the pyramids.

I was minding my own business, pretending to read my virile graphic novel while I eavesdropped on their conversation, trying to decode their chitchat to see if they were Arab Gay Girls.

Out of nowhere one of them says to me, “Why do you have to sit so close to us? The entire beach practically empty!”

I was shocked. I hadn’t even jerked off yet. This was a public beach! I had a right to sit close to them and stare at their half-naked bodies and listen in on their private words. Who did they think they were?

I told them as much.

Then one of them threw a rock at me!

No, I didn’t run away crying. I just walked back to my car a little quickly and the wind caused my eyes to tear up.

Lesbian Poetry 1

Tom MacMaster, at your cervix. I AM an Arab Lesbian, really I am, even if only in my imagination.

One thing all Lesbians love to do is write poetry. When I’m an Arab Lesbian, I write pages of profoundly moving Middle Eastern feminine same-sex loving verse.

My work insightfully explores the dynamic depths of the doings of these desert-dwelling damsels.

Here’s a Limerick:

There once was a Gay Girl in Syria
Who’s blog crawled the Web like bacteria.
Though some called her a cad,
And her writing quite bad,
That’s only if truth’s the criteria.

And here’s a Haiku:

Arab Gay Girls Rule!
But I sit here alone, just
Me and my penis.

Masterful Hetwhiteboy Writing Power

Who am I? I’m Tom MacMaster.
I do cyber-impersonations of Arab Lesbians.

Everyone is so disgusted with me. Why? All I did was write out my exciting hetwhiteboy fantasies and post them online as if they were real. Can I help it if my writing was so good that people believed my lies?

Furthermore, I didn’t only fool Arab Lesbians, but real hetwhite people, too.

Let’s face it, Arab Lesbians are so hungry for validation that they’ll devour any depiction of themselves in the arts and media. But actual mainstream media hetfolks also were smitten by my manly wordsmithy. And that proves exactly how really extremely supremely talented I am.

Journalists are busy people and they believe anything posted online backed up by a few email messages. And when you include a stolen facebook photo and some flimsy excuses about not being able to appear in public, then they’ll take it as gospel. The Guardian, CNN, The New York Times, The Washington Post, Al Jazeera, and NPR all recognized my glorious skills. Why can’t everybody else?

People say my writing was false. But if it appears on the internet, it’s got to be real. Especially if the writing get lots of hits and a great many followers.

So where’s the love? Where are my book deals and pundit offers and film proposals? I’m a hetwhiteboy, goshdarnit! I should be making piles of money off all this.

Drive, She Said

They call me Tom MacMaster, I’m a hetwhiteboy masquerading as an Arab Lesbian, and I drive.

I recently heard that women in Saudi Arabia have been driving cars.

So what? you ask.

Well, it seems that the Saudi government doesn’t let women drive. It’s probably because they want to protect women from harm. And they’re undoubtedly trying to spare women from the stress of being in traffic. Those guys who run Saudi Arabia are all kings and princes, so they tend to be big on chivalry.

But do these Saudi women appreciate this coddling? No. In fact they’ve gotten behind the wheels of automobiles and taken to the streets, driving in direct confrontation of the law. And they’re being applauded for it! Can you believe that?

I like to play this awesome game online called Big Daddy Driver where you get to be a sexy avatar and drive large, phallic-like vehicles. I was a hetwhiteboy imagining I was an Arab Lesbian while I drove a virtual car on the internet. And I did that for hours and hours, day after day.

Nobody EVER applauded me for that.

Feministism

I’m Tom MacMaster, and I’m a hetwhiteboy expert on Arab Lesbians. During the time I pretended to be an Arab Lesbian online, I became the foremost authority on all things Arab and Lesbian.

Some people say that no man can truly understand feministism.

But once I sat down to pee. That taught me what it was like to be a woman.

And I got real live Lesbians to email me and I read what they said. So I know exactly how Lesbians think.

And I pretended to be Arab. Now I know all there is to know about the Middle East.

But just because I’m a hetwhiteboy, nobody wants to listen to what I have to say. That’s discrimination, that’s what that is.

And I’m getting darn sick and tired of it.

Deception

Tom MacMaster here. I’m not an Arab Lesbian but I play one on the internet. And even if I am just a self-centered hetwhiteboy wallowing in a desperate attempt for recognition via cruel exploitation, I’m still worthy of Arab Lesbian Sexy Love.

Recently I’ve heard a lot of sniggering about the fact that one of my Lesbian email correspondents was another hetwhiteboy pretending to be a Lesbian online. My darling Sapphic Sweetheart, my own Muff-Diving Muffin, was actually a hetwhiteboy named Bill Graber.

I was devastated to discover this hoax, as I had grown extremely fond of this emailing Lesbian. She reached in and grabbed my heart with her same-sex loving fingers. We shared real womanly Lesbian love, the deepest and most truthful love there is.

I’m reposting one of our email exchanges. I defy anyone to uncover a single clue that this was a terrible lie. There’s no way that the messages we sent could NOT have come from two real Lesbian womanly girls, one of them Arab even.

Lesbian 1: I love what you write online! I can tell by your words that you’re a beautiful Lesbian gay girl who is full of sexual love for other Lesbian gay girl women. Do you have big breasts?

Lesbian 2: Thanks! I do have big breasts. Big Arab Lesbian breasts. Don’t you just hate the patriarchy?

Lesbian 1: Do I? Sometimes I get so mad at the patriarchy, I breathe really hard and my large breasts heave up and down in a delightful rhythmic motion.

Lesbian 2: Me, too! But I do it in Arabic. I’m a vegetarian and I have 6 cats.

Lesbian 1: I hate meat. I have 4 cats, and I named them all after third-world feministic Lesbian goddesses.

Lesbian 2: I love third-world feministic Lesbian goddesses, too! We have so much in common! I’ll bet we’d be hot and sexy together! I love Lesbian gay girl ladies and having sex with them!

Lesbian 1: Oh yeah! And wouldn’t it be fun if a hetwhiteboy joined us?

Lesbian 2: Oh, you’re getting me so hard. I mean wet. I mean, yes I love Arab Lesbian sex with hetwhiteboys, especially writers.

Lesbian 1: And we could make the hetwhiteboy so happy.

Lesbian 2: Oh yesssss...

See? That’s true Lesbian love, with one of them Arab. That’s sounds exactly how 100% real actual Lesbians talk. How could I have possibly known that it was all a mean, deceptive trick?

So stop laughing at me. My heart is broken.

Ungrateful

I’m Tom MacMaster, I’m a hetwhiteboy and I pretend to be an Arab Lesbian. But only in cyber space where nobody can see my testosterone.

Since my hoax was revealed, I’ve heard that a lot of the real Arab Lesbians are disgusted with me. They think I’m a joke. That wasn’t what I expected. I thought they’d all be desperately grateful and consider me one of them and maybe invite me to their parties. And I hoped they’d want to have sex with me, or at least give me Arab Lesbian kisses, because I was their hero.

Let’s be real. Who listens to Arab Lesbians? Nobody, that’s who. But when a hetwhiteboy like me takes up their plight, you can bet the whole world takes notice. People paid attention when I was an Arab Lesbian. They responded to my powerful hetwhiteboy voice. It’s proof that I’m a Great Writer. Take that, all you publishers who ignored me in the past.

I did more for the Arab Lesbians than anybody. But do I get thanks? Do I get warm, za’atar-scented Arab Lesbian hugs? Do I get invited to their secret Arab Lesbian meetings? No. I get angry emails and ridicule. They say I lied to them, destroyed their trust, appropriated their cultural identities, hijacked their conversation, and betrayed the concepts I was supposed to be promoting. Can you believe how ungrateful they are?

I don’t understand why they’re so angry. I was only helping them! They’re Arabs and they’re Lesbians, so they can’t be expected to speak for themselves. When a hetwhiteboy like me donates my exceptional hetwhiteboy writing skills to their cause, you’d expect those poor, downtrodden sexy exotic girls to be thankful.

If I was an Arab Lesbian, and I was one online, I would throw my arms around any hetwhiteboy who was so generous with his literary talent. I would tell him he was the only one who knew my soul. I would thank him profusely for his help. I would touch his big strong, manly body. And then I’d have lots of exciting Arab Lesbian sex with him.

Hello!

Hi everybody! I’m Tom MacMaster. I’m a hetwhiteboy who goes online and pretends to be an Arab Lesbian.

Before I did my blog, women never seemed to notice me much. Especially Arab Lesbians. They completely ignored me. Sure, I’m an unattractive smelly guy with no social skills, an over-sized ego and a small dick, who couldn’t get my writing published, but still...

However, that all changed when I pretended I was a gay girl in Damascus. Gosh! I got so many emails! I got to talk to real live Arab Lesbians! People paid attention to what I was saying! I had something to do all day besides just playing video games! You can’t imagine how exciting that was for me.

But now the secret is out. Everyone knows I’m just me, another silly hetwhiteboy pretending to be a Lesbian. It’s over. I can’t get away with it anymore. Darn those nosey reporters.

Nevertheless, I’ve decided to go on blogging. Only now I’ll tell the truth. MY truth.

I guess some people are mad at me for pretending, but really, where’s the harm? I honestly believed everything I said. I mean, it’s not easy for hetwhiteboys to get attention in this world. Sure, we get a lot of power and privilege and money and opportunities and physical safety and all that. But why does that mean I can’t be an Arab Lesbian, too?

I always imagined it would be exciting to be an Arab Lesbian. And guess what? It is!

In my other blog I was a girl. One who was well into her thirties, yes, but “gay girl” is much slicker than “gay woman”. It’s called alliteration. (I’m a writer you know.)

And I wasn’t just any girl -- I was a Gay Arab girl. It was thrilling to sneak into a world I never was allowed into before. Gosh, it got me hot, but I also learned a little, too. Did you know that gay women have full lives and don’t really think much about men? I thought they’d all be busy man-hating, but they’re much more interested in women-loving. Really! I was kinda surprised about that.

And Arab Lesbians are way cooler than plain old regular Lesbians. They speak Arabic, and are really smart about politics and know the best recipes for great Middle Eastern food. Surprisingly, not too many of them talked about belly dancing. Though some of them did say they smoke hookahs.

And the best part was, I got to be a part of it all! Not like in real life where most women just laugh at me. I was part of the conversations! People read what I wrote! I was one of them! Well, it was only online, and I never got to actually touch anyone, and most of them will never talk to me again, and I betrayed everyone’s trust, but it was still way more fun than I’d ever had in my life before.

OMG!!!
I just read that the Lesbian who does that website Lez Get Real is a MAN! I used to email her, I used to jack off thinking about her, I was so in love with her... and ... sob... now I find out she’s a man???
And not even Arab. That is just so MEAN!

I wonder if that means I’m a fag?

Whatever.

What’s most important is that now I’m getting all this attention! I can hardly sleep at night just thinking about how to parlay this into an exciting new career.

I think I’ll write a confessional memoir about the experience. I’ll bare my soul and explain how I really hoped to help the Arab Lesbian cause, and how darned sincere I am, and beg everyone for forgiveness. Probably I’ll get to go on a book tour, and maybe do more interviews, and talk to actual Lesbians! I can’t wait!

I just pray they don’t expect me to give any money I earn to real Arab Lesbian groups. And I wish I could meet some Arab Lesbians in the flesh. And I hope they get a really sexy Arab Lesbian to play me in the movie of my life...